The 20 most humiliating right-wing excuses for Trump

These quotes about the convicted felon would be laughable if they weren’t so dangerous.

It’s a familiar routine: Donald Trump says or does something outrageous and his enablers offer absurd excuses. Only occasionally do journalists push back, and even then the enablers dig in. Because the more they humiliate themselves with ridiculous defenses of the convicted felon, the more points they earn with him. 

Here’s my top 20 list of unintentional self-mockery by Trump defenders:

1. After Trump shared a meme associating Kamala Harris with blowjobs, his running mate JD Vance praised Trump for being “willing to tell some jokes. I do think that’s how you lift people up.”

2. Here’s right-wing pundit Wayne Allyn Root’s quote after dozens of women accused Trump of sexual abuse: “I believe Donald Trump is one of the handsomest billionaires that’s ever lived. I don’t think he ever had to grope a single woman ever.” 

3. As Trump appeared for arrest and arraignment in New York, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene said: “Trump is joining some of the most incredible people in history being arrested today. Nelson Mandela was arrested, served time in prison. Jesus — Jesus was arrested and murdered by the Roman government.”

4. After Trump’s felony conviction in New York, Republican spokeswoman Liz Harrington said: “The only thing President Donald J. Trump has ever been guilty of is loving this country too much.”

5. Right-wing Christian leader Ralph Reed defended Trump after he was caught on tape bragging about grabbing the private parts of women: “I just don't think an audiotape of an 11-year-old private conversation with an entertainment talk show host on a tour bus, for which the candidate has apologized profusely, is likely to rank high on the hierarchy of concerns of those faith-based voters.”

6. Defending Trump’s efforts to nullify Joe Biden’s election in 2020, lawyer Alan Dershowitz said: ​​“If a president did something that he believes will help him get elected, in the public interest, that cannot be the kind of quid pro quo that results in impeachment.”

7. After Trump took classified documents, was asked to return them, and lied that he had none, evangelist Franklin Graham said: “If they felt that he had something that belonged to the government, they certainly could have asked and he would’ve returned it.”

8. After classified documents stolen by Trump were found in a Mar-a-Lago bathroom, Rep. Byron Donalds said: “There are 33 bathrooms at Mar-a-Lago! So don't act like it’s in some random bathroom that the guests can go into.”

9. Asked whether Trump has ever lied to the American people, spokeswoman Kayleigh McInany said: “No. I don’t believe the president has lied.”

10. Former Trump administration official Ken Cuccinelli downplayed Trump’s vow to be a “Day 1” dictator: “He’s trying to needle everybody.”

11. Asked about jurors deciding in favor of E. Jean Carroll, who accused Trump of sexual assault, Sen. Tim Scott said: “Myself and all the voters that support Donald Trump support a return to normalcy as it relates to what affects their kitchen table. The average person in our country … they’re not talking about lawsuits.”

12. After Trump referred to a rally attendee as “my African American,” Trump ally Corey Lewandowski said: “The way Mr. Trump talks — anybody who knows him, and I know him very well — he’d say, ‘My Corey. You’re my Corey.’”

13. After Trump tried to get FBI Director James Comey to kill an investigation of national security adviser Michael Flynn, then-House Speaker Paul Ryan said: “The president’s new at this. He’s new to government. So he probably wasn’t steeped in the long-running protocols that establish the relationships between DOJ, FBI, and White Houses.”

14. Paul Ryan again. After Trump said “Second Amendment people” might want to do something about Hillary Clinton if she limits access to guns, Ryan said: “I heard about this Second Amendment quote. It sounds like just a joke gone bad.”

15. After Attorney General Jeff Sessions quoted the Bible to defend Trump’s separation of migrant children from their parents, then-Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders doubled down: “It is very biblical to enforce the law, that is actually repeated a number of times throughout the Bible.”

16. After Trump said he would encourage Russia to “do whatever the hell they want” to NATO countries that don’t pay enough for defense, radio host Ben Shapiro said: “He’s obviously quasi-joking.”

17. Sen. Marco Rubio also weighed in on Trump encouraging Russia to attack NATO countries, saying Trump was just “telling a story.” Rubio added: “Frankly, look, Donald Trump is not a member of the Council on Foreign Relations. He doesn’t talk like a traditional politician.”

18. After Trump made an embarrassing mistake before the 2024 New Hampshire primary by saying “Nikki Haley” when he was talking about Nancy Pelosi, Rep. Elise Stefanik denied reality: “That isn’t a mix-up. The reality is Nikki Haley is relying on Democrats just like Nancy Pelosi to try to have a desperate showing in New Hampshire.” 

19. Asked about Trump’s frequent lies, White House communications director Stephanie Grisham said: “I don’t think they’re lies. … I think the president communicates in a way that some people, especially the media, aren’t necessarily comfortable with. A lot of times they take him so literally.”

20. Asked about Trump’s call for “termination” of the Constitution, Rep. David Joyce said: “Well, he says a lot of things, but that doesn’t mean that it’s ever going to happen.”

Feel free to share other ridiculous Trump-alibi quotes in the comments.